Read it and Weep

Reprinted from The Medical Post April 12th, 1994

By Geoff Wheatley

Geoff (I just happen to own five MGs - so eat your heart out Wheatley is a specialist in environmental health based in Clinton N.Y.

There has been a lot written, in the motoring press, on the so-called detrimental oil leaks that develop under British cars, especially MGs, when parked on or in local roads and garages. What these scribes fail to recognize is that this was a special feature of these cars, designed to assist the ongoing relationship between the two great nations of the world, namely Canada and the United Kingdom.

I would, through the facility of your excellent publication, like to put the matter straight if only in the interests of the continued friendship between the real car drivers of North America and all you other lot.

(01) An oil leak eases the periodic maintenance burden of the automobile owner. If oil is constantly passing through an engine and requiring continual 'topping up', then the need for oil changes becomes insignificant - i.e., there is never any dirty oil left in the engine so why change it!

(02) Older vehicles had wooden floorboards. With an efficient oil leak the wood will be permanently preserved and in consequence will never need attention - i.e., no wood rot or other such problems, and in certain cases this can equally apply to cars with metal floors that have not been sealed with 'environmentally hostile' substances.

(03) An effective oil leak provides constant protection against the ravages of rust on chassis and such like - i.e., you don't have to worry about the car parting in the middle.

(04) An important side effect related to items (2 and (3 above, is that the car is distributing oil to all other cars proceeding in the same direction and to the stern of the aforesaid car, offering free protection to the following vehicle's grill, hood and windshield - i.e., this is just another example of the British car owner's generosity.

(05) With the contiguous and continual flow of the aforementioned oil, it will become easy for the British car owner to provide distinctive directions to the abode of the aforesaid owner - i.e., when invited over for a drink the route is clearly marked. Both ways.

(06) With the continued federal and provincial maintenance required on asphalt highways, the oil distribution process allows for additional sealing of such highways at no additional cost to the taxpayer - i.e., we actually save other drivers of less prestigious cars tax dollars.

(07) With petroleum products originating from the ground, this is a direct way to provide recycling, without all the middlemen - i.e., we are not only good citizens when it comes to saving your money, we are also dedicated to the principles of recycling.

(08) The first distribution of our oil increases demand in the marketplace which in turn creates jobs -i.e., if all you people had the good sense to own and drive British cars, such as the MG, there would be a dramatic reduction in the unemployment figures.

(09) This increased purchase rate also means that we pay a higher level of sales tax than the 'cheap and frugal' drivers of other cars - i.e., you should not only treat us with more respect but you should also buy us at least two beers at all suitable social events, as a small token of your appreciation of our continued financial contribution to the welfare of the community.

(10) I hope these points provide clarification, illumination and even inspiration to those of you who have been misled into believing that oil leakage is something to be scoffed at.

A little time and trouble, not to mention a few hours of instruction at the local pub from fellow owners of British cars...should enable you to join the ranks of those who aspire to help the human race through efficient and effective oil distribution.

God Save the Queen and all owners of British cars - especially MGs!

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